Frustration, particularly when we allow it to build up indefinitely, can be one of the biggest problems we deal with in our everyday lives. I am at a point where my frustration has been accumulating for at least a couple years. Probably longer than that even, but it has been more noticeable here lately. Stemming primarily from circumstances beyond my control, which makes it that much worse. I have done my best to “handle” it, but that is never easy. Especially when the frustrating situations only deteriorate with time. And especially when there are multiple sources of frustration. Sometimes it makes me want to scream. Or cry. Or beat my fists against a brick wall.
There has been one amazing change in my life this past year or so that has both helped my frustration and made things worse. One thing in my little world that is what I want and on my terms. Most of the time. This makes it easier to deal with frustrations by providing a break, but it also makes those frustrations worse by comparison. It also makes it that much worse when this one comfort lets me down. When it ceases to act as a balance to the constant frustrations and instead joins their ranks, it very nearly pushes me over the edge. I am afraid of allowing my pent-up aggravation to destroy this one good.
The primary fuel for my frustration is lack of control. Being an uptight, take-charge, super-opinionated type of personality, having others dictating what I can and can’t do or how to think is particularly aggravating. Even worse is being judged and criticized for thinking and being different than everyone else. My paradox is a need for things to be my way and also desperately wanting to please the people around me. This makes for a highly combustible situation.
Finding myself and discovering where I stand and what I believe has only accelerated the problem. On the upside, I have learned to accept that others won’t think like me and won’t make the same decision I would in their shoes. But on the flipside of that, I have zero tolerance for anyone who expects me to conform to their parameters. Being (well) over 21, it is high time for me to define my own parameters. But due to various circumstances I still have individuals in my life who believe that they have the right to dictate how I live and what I do.
There really is only one solution to this problem. One way to nix these sources of frustration. It is a decision I have been loath to make for quite some time, knowing that the day would come where I would no longer have a choice. Where I would have to do what’s right for me. For the sake of my own sanity and well-being. It is a difficult decision to make – the two sides of my personality have been at war with each other for some time now. The time has come to end this war. The frustration and the turmoil have begun to take a toll on both my physical and mental health. I must do what is best for me, come what may.