I am waiting for you. I don’t know where you are or
if we’ve met yet. One day, you’re going to walk into my life and I will
understand why no other guy ever worked out. And all the heartbreak and
loneliness will have been worth it.
I don’t know what you will look like on the outside
but I carry a photograph of your soul in my heart. You are both gentle and
sensitive while also being strong and tough. You are honest and honorable,
passionate and patient. Above all you are fierce in loving and protecting those
you care for.
I should warn
you that it will be difficult to get me to completely open up to you. It may
take some time to break through the walls I’ve built around my heart. I’ve been
burned by people that I trusted too many times. You will have a lot to prove.
I’m asking you now to be patient with me.
I’m not expecting you to be perfect. I don’t need a
knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and save the day. You won’t
“complete” me. I am a complete and happy individual on my own. I need you to
come alongside me and say, “We’re in this together. Through good or bad, we are
an unbreakable team.” We will each be our own person but together we will be
greater than the sum of our parts.
Together we will build something beautiful and
amazing. We will be one of the great love stories of our generation. The kind
of romance they write songs about. I know it won’t be easy or perfect but we’ll
be in it together and we’ll create our own little world. We will raise our
family completely immersed in love and support. I am content knowing that we
will find each other when the time is right.
I don’t know what happened that caused you to go
from “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” to blocking me on social
media and changing your phone number. Although I’m never going to beg you or
anyone to be in my life, I am still filled with unanswerable questions. Part of
me wants to say that I don’t care but that’s not entirely true. I’m hurt and
confused and I’d give almost anything to know what went wrong. Just for my own
closure and peace of mind.
Were you just playing me from the beginning? Did you
ever mean those things you said? Or did
you find someone willing to put out and decide you were no longer willing to
wait for me? Were you angered by something I said or did? Did you just get
tired of the long-distance relationship thing? Did your overbearing mother come
Whatever you reason or reasons for ending us may have been, the way you did it is so wrong. You should have been man enough to tell me the truth straight up instead of just ghosting me. I deserve better than that – I was nothing but good to you. At the end of the day though, I guess that tells me more about your character than all the time we spent together. Walking away from all of this, there are three things that I know for sure. 1. I will be fine. It won’t be hard for me to get over someone who turned out to not be worth my time. 2. You’re the one losing out. I am amazing and worth pursuing and we could have been something really special. 3. Karma’s a bitch. Don’t come crying to me when you get what you deserve.
I could have loved you. We could have been an epic
romance. Have a nice life.
As I sit here listening to Christmas music, kept
company only by my own thoughts, I can’t help but think of all the things I
have to be grateful for this holiday season. My life has truly been blessed in
more ways than I can count. No one’s life is perfect of course, but for those
of us whose lives are good or even great, let’s each pause for a moment to
reflect on our good fortune. And let us also be mindful of those not so
fortunate as ourselves. This is a difficult time of year for many, and a smile
or a kind word can go a long way for those with heavy hearts. Even for someone
such as myself, who is more than content with her life, this is a bittersweet
holiday – after all, this is only my third Christmas since the loss of my Mama.
Despite the losses and difficulties I may have gone
through, I still have so very much to be thankful for and at the top of my list
is my amazing family. They have been there for me through everything and have
never let me down. Even when I have been less than lovable, they have continued
to love me unconditionally. I know without a doubt that we will continue to be
each other’s best friends, staunchest supporters, and biggest critics. Because
at the end of the day, we are family, and that’s what family does. We fight and
we make up, we always have each other’s backs, and we would do anything for one
another. I am fortunate enough to be able to go home for Christmas this year
and I can hardly wait.
As Christmas approaches, let’s all try to remember
the people we love and are so grateful for. This is the true meaning of the
season and the world could do with more Christmas gratitude and cheer – let’s
share ours with those we meet. Merry Christmas, y’all!
Growing up, I was very much a tomboy. Unequivocally and unashamedly. I had zero interest in “girlie” things. Makeup, hair products, and cute outfits weren’t for me. (See my post Finding My Sense of Style for more on this.) I was also a late bloomer, physically, and have always looked several years younger than my actual age. Is it any surprise that I got no attention from guys as a teen? Or even into my early twenties actually. Didn’t really bother me though as I had little interest in them either. Part of being such a late bloomer, I guess – I didn’t “discover” boys until much later than my peers. Right after I started taking an interest in my physical appearance.
But it wasn’t until the past 12-18 months or so that guys started noticing me. And the past 6 months have been downright crazy. There are several factors that play into this, I’m sure, but the one that I believe is the biggest influence is my new-found confidence. I’m no longer the shy, reserved girl I once was. Or at least not as shy and reserved, I should say. I now know my own strengths and capabilities and that knowledge has translated into a surge of self-confidence. Finally believing that I am not ugly has also done wonders for my self-esteem.
I have to say, being considered desirable feels pretty darn good. Having said that though, there were still some walls up that didn’t allow anyone to get too close. I think part of that was due to the nature of my last relationship, which was never healthy even when I thought things were good. Part of that was also because of the shy, sheltered kid I used to be. And it feels amazing to have found someone who was willing to push past my barriers and make the effort to know the real me. Because as much as I love being attractive to many guys, being desired and pursued by one is an unbelievable experience. And the best part of all? He showed up when I least expected it. I guess there really is Someone looking out for me.
Everything old is new again. A cliché, but still true. One trend that I am very happy to see new again is the wearing of hats. I have two accessories that I’m completely crazy for: hats and rings. I simply adore hats. All shapes, all styles, all occasions. My personal hat collection is still relatively new. I’ve started with the basics – a fedora, a wide-brim, a trilby, a few baseball and cadet caps, etc. in primarily neutral colors. I expect my collection will continue to grow over the years and will eventually include a greater variety of styles and colors. I guess you could call me the hat lady.
I’ve always loved hats. One thing that held me back for a long time was lack of confidence. Unsure if I could pull hats off or what types would work for my face shape or hairstyle, it took me a while to actually take the plunge and buy my first hat. And even once I had a few, it took me a while to feel comfortable wearing them – I was very self-conscious for a while. My first hat was a brown felt fedora. Which is actually an excellent choice for a first hat. But I just got lucky there – starting out, I knew next to nothing about different hat styles. I’ve picked up a little bit of knowledge here and there but I still feel incredibly ignorant on the topic. Another great choice for a first hat is the trilby, which is similar to a fedora but with a smaller brim that’s turned up in the back and turned down in the front. Trilby hats look good on just about anyone.
My personal pet peeve when it comes to shopping for hats, especially online, is the inconsistency and downright inaccuracy of the descriptions. I’m not gonna lie, most of my hats have come from Amazon – you can’t beat their prices or selection. But I’ve seen hats that had both “porkpie” and “floppy sun hat” in their names. And there are even hats listed as fedoras when they are in fact straw mushroom hats. We seem to have lost our knowledge of hat styles and etiquette when hats fell out of everyday use. This is both good and bad, I think. The knowledge isn’t really lost – it’s still there, we just have to look harder for it. But also, since we’re no longer locked into the “do’s and don’ts” of proper hat-wearing, we can kinda make up our own rules as we go. Thank God for Pinterest.
In short, I love both wearing and learning about hats. And while I have many interests, this one is particularly special to me. It’s important, I feel, to have things that are special to us, whether it be certain activities or topics of study or actual things. These things are what makes each one of us different and what helps us find our own sense of identity. For me, being a hat lady is a very important part of my identity.
People think I am fearless. They are wrong. I am quite often scared to pieces. I have so many unreasonable fears. Fear of heights, fear of confrontation, fear of failure, to name a few. New things frighten me, challenges frighten me, my own thoughts frighten me. I have spent a lifetime learning to manage my fears. It’s like living with an incurable disease. It’s always there, but if I can mask the symptoms, I can learn to ignore it. Because of this, I will never be fearless, but each day that I get up and continue the struggle is another day that makes me brave.
People think I am hard and callous. They are wrong. I am soft and fragile and easily bruised. I am wounded by the words of others when no harm was intended. I have a compassion in me as high as the mountains, as wide as the sea. Some say I don’t care enough when the truth is that I care too much. The injustices and sadness in this world break my heart every single day. Still I continue, standing strong in spite of heartaches – both personal and on a grander scale. This makes me tough as nails.
People think I am incapable of love. They are wrong. I don’t love often, but when I do, my love is wild and fierce and never-ending. Those I love, I love for life. Those I love, I protect from harm. Those I love, I am fiercely loyal to. I will do everything in my power to take care of the ones I love. My love is deeper than the ocean, and truer than the sky. I know that I have an untapped well of love in me that will someday change the world. This makes me both a lover and a fighter.
People think a great many things and they always will. Some people will think well of me, others will wish me ill. Some will criticize, some will admire. Some will seek to help me advance and grow, others will attempt to hinder and thwart me on this path of life. At the end of it all, though, I will stand before my Creator and it will be just the two of us. And He will weigh my heart in the balances and He will judge whether I was true and good and made the best use of my talents or whether I fell short of the mark. And the fact of the matter is, I will have fallen short because no one is perfect. But He will judge my efforts and add grace to make up the difference. So at the end of the day, I answer only to myself and my God and what the rest of the world may think of me is of little consequence.
There are many, many reasons I love my life – too many to enumerate here. Instead, I shall limit myself to only a few.
My job is awesome – both fun and fulfilling. And the people I work with are great and seem to like me as well. I also just won employee of the year for 2017, which is incredible.
City life agrees with me – more than I ever thought it would, to be honest. I love being so close to everything, I love the things that only a big city can offer, I even love the busyness of it all. Something this country girl never expected to say.
Living alone totally rocks. After so many years of sharing everything and almost never having a private moment, it is incredibly refreshing and liberating. I’m enjoying decorating my own space and being able to come and go as I please.
I have finally started my vinyl record collection. In fact, I’m listening to one now – a vintage Fleetwood Mac album. Vinyl makes my heart happy in a way few other things can match.
And for the first time in a very, very long time, I am completely comfortable and content in my own skin. After too many years of thinking I was unattractive and unlikable, I now realize that neither is true. I have discovered that most people think that I am pretty and that I have a great personality. The boost this knowledge has given to my self-confidence is quite literally off the charts. There are no words to express how amazing this process has been.
In short, I love my life and I am completely and utterly and deliciously happy. I wish I could bottle this feeling – there are people out there who need a dose of Love My Life potion. But the fact of the matter is this: no two people are going to love the same life. What makes me happy is not going to be the same as what makes you happy. That is something we each must find for ourselves.
These past few months of living on my own have taught me so much about myself and life – more than I ever thought possible. One of the things I have come to realize with startling clarity is that what is meant to be, will be. The importance of waiting. That everything will fall into place in due time.
This truth has played out in my life in countless ways in the events of this past year. Each instance more awe-inspiring than the last. And of course what they say about hindsight being 20/20 is dead right. Things I didn’t understand at the time make so much sense now. The times things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to and also the times things went perfectly right.
I think too many times we’re in a hurry and force things to happen the way we want it and when we want it. I now know, beyond all doubt, that this is a mistake. If something is meant to be, it will be. And it will be what it will be in its own time. Making things happen on our terms only creates more problems.
Now I’m not by any means suggesting that we should just sit back and let life happen to us. Far from it! I believe in doing, not just dreaming. That life is what we make of it. But when we have to force our life to go in a certain direction, then the time is not yet right. What we want – or rather what we need – is on the other side of a closed door. We have to get up and open the door, but if we find ourselves trying to kick it in, then maybe we aren’t meant to be opening that particular door at this particular moment in our lives. The trick is learning how to tell if the door is truly locked or if it’s just stuck. And that knowledge only comes with experience.
As I look back on this past year, I am reminded of how good God is and how amazing life can be. So many things have happened and so much has changed. I’ve grown as a person in more ways than I can count. I’ve learned that not everyone is as honest as I am. But also that most people are good for the most part. I’ve discovered that it is really cool to be one of the popular ones. I have found that if you work hard and keep a cheerful attitude, success is the natural result. Especially if you are working at a job that you love and that you were meant to do. I’ve made new friends and had new experiences. I have learned that I like thousand island dressing. And that I don’t need anyone else to be complete. I feel like I have found something that I was missing – I don’t know exactly what, or how to describe it, but I feel whole again. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined where I would be this New Year’s. Nor did I ever think I would be this happy, this fulfilled, this content with who I am. 2017 has truly been an awesome, incredible year for me. I look forward with much anticipation to 2018.
My New Year’s resolutions are few and simple:
To spend less, to save more.
To try to get back into the habit of working out.
To write with something resembling regularity.
And to continue enjoying every minute of this crazy, beautiful, amazing thing called life.
Whether your 2017 was good or bad or somewhere in between, may your 2018 be awesome and blessed and crazy and delicious and everything you hope it will be. Happy New Year, y’all!
Wow. Hard to believe it’s November already. How time does fly. Especially when you are as busy as my new life has been here lately. I’ve been working two full-time jobs for a while now, which left little time for anything except sleeping. Precious little time even for that. But it’s been good. And one job just gave me a promotion and a raise, so the other has been downgraded to part-time. Which has given me more time for sleeping and catching up on other things as well.
I’m loving this new life that I’m building for myself. It’s been a really long time since I have been this happy. My job is fulfilling in a way I didn’t know work could be. I feel like I am where I’m meant to be. As it turns out, where I’m meant to be is a grocery store – which isn’t a career that I ever considered when thinking about my future. But I absolutely love it. What’s funny is that my dad used to work at a grocery store. Which I had forgotten until he reminded me of it. It just feels right, you know? Like everything has come full circle, as if this were meant to be. I don’t believe in coincidence or things happening by chance. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Aside from work, my new life is amazing. I’m fully enjoying my new-found freedom. My take-charge, independent personality really needed it. Even I didn’t realize how much until I actually experienced it for myself. It’s like life was stifling me before and now I can breathe freely. It’s amazing and wonderful and exhilarating. I feel like I have truly found myself these past few months. Like something was missing and I didn’t even realize it. I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but, for the first time in a long time, I feel complete.